Summer 2009 is just around the corner folks, and I've not updated since that big depresser of a journal I posted a while ago (thanks so much to those who commented and supported me, you have no idea how much it means to me...I love you guys! ^^) so yehh.. an upsate on my life?

My GCSE's are thankfully coming to an end! Only two exams left woo! So far they've been goin' pretty well I reckon, not TOO MANY major disasters where I was stuck in the exam hall rocking back and forth muttering "I'm gonna be a hobo". I emphasize the 'too many' as there's been a few times I've been close to that stage!

On the depression side of things.. almost got sectioned/put into hospital over it, so NOT so good, but I'm working my way through it, just trying to look on the bright side and keep my spirit's up. I ain't bein put away, not a chance in HELL!

Lovelife side of it.. ehh shan't say much incase I give him a big head as he is a stalker and will most definately read this I shall just say that I'm very very happy right now <3

Soooo onto summer eh?

My plans:
.Job
.Work on portfolio
.Get a decent tan
.Get back into swimming
.Visiting little sis in hospital
.Decide what I want to do with my life!
.Spending as much time as humanly possible with Marc.
.Tidy room (this would take all summer tbh!)

What's everyone's plans?

Well, this is just an update on my life I guess! This journal was in MUCH need of one.

Basically, I'm very, very upset/depressed/lonely right now, and I do believe that it is my own fault. I go from one horrible relationship where I'm treated like an object of no worth, to another where I kid myself that I mean something. I don't. They always remind me.

School is just the last thing on my mind right now when it should be the first, I've just started some of the most important exams I will ever do in my life, I should be studing SO HARD right now.
But all I want to do it curl up and cry so hard. I just want someone who gives a damn, someone who'll tell me that everything's going to be alright...that they CARE.

I'm so lonely in this world, my friends are moving on, I'm stuck in a rutt with nothing left to give...

I feel like there's no one who wants to listen, but I KNOW people care and that they want to help, it's a very contradictory feeling which drives me insane! :/

I'm scared to tell people because I don't want them to feel guilt or any sort of burden from me... and, I'm scared they'll turn away.
As for the shrinks? I'm just trying to get out of therapy! It's the loneliest place in the world.

Hell by this time next year I'm pretty damn sure that my parents will be seperated, where does that leave me and my sisters? Where does it leave any of us?

I feel like my world is moving so rapidly yet so slowly at the same time. I do things, stupid things to snatch the feeling of be wanted for just a moment, I get myself in terrible situations and I only have myself to blame.

All the time this burden on my shoulders gets heavier, and my medication pile grows larger.

I just want out.
I want someone to hear me, and help.
I want to help others too.. but what use can I be like this?

"And when they met..the angels whispered.. perfect."

The Adventures of a girl and her dog.

She was a quiet child, no one could fully penetrate the barrier she put up to stop anyone getting close, to stop herself from being hurt.
"Manic Depressive with Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome." The doctors declared, doling out the drugs which were meant to keep her going.
Some days she was alright, she could allow herself to hope that things were getting better. But there were the other days, the days which tormented her.

She loved saturday mornings. Those mornings where made for just her, and her dog. Together they would trek to the lagan across the road, amble through leaves and chase eachother around knarled trees. This time was simple, this time was a treasure.

"GERI!" She would often have to call through panting breaths as she finished her weekly lap around the field. The dog would sometimes look up, usually she just ignored her owner. Sniffing was much more important! Humans would never understand!
At the end, she would always amble across to be greeted with the open arms of the girl which loved her endlessly.

"I ruv you." Was whispered to her at the end of the day, as the sun went down and bed-time was approaching. "I ruv you so much."
The girl would stroke the dog until she was grunting in pleasure, but their time had to end. For there were other people who longed for the girl's company. Her grandmother.

Her grandmother lived alone in a beautiful big house, the dog was her only companion.
Due to her depression, the girl's father suggested that she spend weekends with her grandmother. She obliged, thinking joyously of the time she could spend with the dog. Her dog.

The girl didn't care much for other humans, they were much too shallow, too bitter and full of evil. In animals, her trust lay. She loved them with all her heart. But, to this dog, Geri, she gave her heart.

Everynight, she would have to tell her dog off at least five times for barking. But really, she wasn't mad. She would sit in the rain, soothing her beloved labrador as the taunting puppy next door yelped vigorously.
"Shhh, it's okay. It's going to be okay." She whispered into the damp, smelling fur she'd grown accustomed to over the last 10 years.

One night, as the girl lay on her make-shift bed (sofa) she began to read a book she bought for 50pence at the local animal charity store. The story made her weep hysterically as it ended. The book was called, "Marley and Me" and it was of a labrador who reminded her so much of the black mutt stuck out in the garden.
The aching joints, the tiredness which the star canine, Marley, faced in his elder years, Geri had now. She was the ripe old age of 13, and her age was starting to take its toll. But still the dog would bound around as she was greeted each morning by her owner. Still she would gobble up food as if she had been starved.

That night, the girl got up, and went out to see her dog. She hugged her tightly as she wept. "I ruv you... I really really do, so much." She murmered, wiping her eyes and looking into those milky brown ones which faced her.
She soon went back to bed, and fell asleep. She felt so much better.

But nightmares started to come to the girl.
Nightmares filled with death, and trecherous grief.
Nightmares where he beloved dog, lay before her, and slowly died.

It was the 20th of February, 2009. Exactly one week after the first nightmare, when the girl's father came home and announced that Geri was ill.
"She's just not eating. Won't get up." He sighed.
The girl knew. She knew.

The next morning, the girl's father recieved a phone call. It was from her grandmother, the dog's legal owner.
And she knew. She knew.
"It's a no go with the dog." He admitted, coming into the livingroom where the girl had slept that night, tormented with nightmares and crying out in the night.
A no go? The girl thought... she's still sick. But I will spend her last day with her. She assured herself behind her tears.
"She was put down early this morning. It was the best thing."

And with that, the girl's world fell apart.

Four weeks later, the movie of "Marley and Me," was released, and she watched it at home. But this time, as she sobbed uncrontrollably, there was no black dog, snoring in the kennel, who could offer her comfort. Who would make it all okay.
-----------------------------------------------------------

That's pretty much my story. I thought it would be better by now, but it isn't. I miss her. And now off to the doctors for me, more anti-depressants, more counselling, more exams, and no more dog.

The Adventures of a girl and her dog.

She was a quiet child, no one could fully penetrate the barrier she put up to stop anyone getting close, to stop herself from being hurt.
"Manic Depressive with Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome." The doctors declared, doling out the drugs which were meant to keep her going.
Some days she was alright, she could allow herself to hope that things were getting better. But there were the other days, the days which tormented her.

She loved saturday mornings. Those mornings where made for just her, and her dog. Together they would trek to the lagan across the road, amble through leaves and chase eachother around knarled trees. This time was simple, this time was a treasure.

"GERI!" She would often have to call through panting breaths as she finished her weekly lap around the field. The dog would sometimes look up, usually she just ignored her owner. Sniffing was much more important! Humans would never understand!
At the end, she would always amble across to be greeted with the open arms of the girl which loved her endlessly.

"I ruv you." Was whispered to her at the end of the day, as the sun went down and bed-time was approaching. "I ruv you so much."
The girl would stroke the dog until she was grunting in pleasure, but their time had to end. For there were other people who longed for the girl's company. Her grandmother.

Her grandmother lived alone in a beautiful big house, the dog was her only companion.
Due to her depression, the girl's father suggested that she spend weekends with her grandmother. She obliged, thinking joyously of the time she could spend with the dog. Her dog.

The girl didn't care much for other humans, they were much too shallow, too bitter and full of evil. In animals, her trust lay. She loved them with all her heart. But, to this dog, Geri, she gave her heart.

Everynight, she would have to tell her dog off at least five times for barking. But really, she wasn't mad. She would sit in the rain, soothing her beloved labrador as the taunting puppy next door yelped vigorously.
"Shhh, it's okay. It's going to be okay." She whispered into the damp, smelling fur she'd grown accustomed to over the last 10 years.

One night, as the girl lay on her make-shift bed (sofa) she began to read a book she bought for 50pence at the local animal charity store. The story made her weep hysterically as it ended. The book was called, "Marley and Me" and it was of a labrador who reminded her so much of the black mutt stuck out in the garden.
The aching joints, the tiredness which the star canine, Marley, faced in his elder years, Geri had now. She was the ripe old age of 13, and her age was starting to take its toll. But still the dog would bound around as she was greeted each morning by her owner. Still she would gobble up food as if she had been starved.

That night, the girl got up, and went out to see her dog. She hugged her tightly as she wept. "I ruv you... I really really do, so much." She murmered, wiping her eyes and looking into those milky brown ones which faced her.
She soon went back to bed, and fell asleep. She felt so much better.

But nightmares started to come to the girl.
Nightmares filled with death, and trecherous grief.
Nightmares where he beloved dog, lay before her, and slowly died.

It was the 20th of February, 2009. Exactly one week after the first nightmare, when the girl's father came home and announced that Geri was ill.
"She's just not eating. Won't get up." He sighed.
The girl knew. She knew.

The next morning, the girl's father recieved a phone call. It was from her grandmother, the dog's legal owner.
And she knew. She knew.
"It's a no go with the dog." He admitted, coming into the livingroom where the girl had slept that night, tormented with nightmares and crying out in the night.
A no go? The girl thought... she's still sick. But I will spend her last day with her. She assured herself behind her tears.
"She was put down early this morning. It was the best thing."

And with that, the girl's world fell apart.

Four weeks later, the movie of "Marley and Me," was released, and she watched it at home. But this time, as she sobbed uncrontrollably, there was no black dog, snoring in the kennel, who could offer her comfort. Who would make it all okay.
-----------------------------------------------------------

That's pretty much my story. I thought it would be better by now, but it isn't. I miss her.

1. Honestly, what colour is your bra (or undershorts if you're a boy)? I dunno... *checks* Blu- hang on. Why the hell you askin?!

2. Honestly, what’s on your mind? The Fishin' Exebition I just went to.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? Typin' this out... obv.

4. Honestly, do you think you are attractive? I guess I'm alright.

5. Honestly, have you done something bad today? I don't think so actually.

6. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel? TECHNICALLY. Cus it's always ON in my house and I MAY just glance over OCCAISIONALLY

7. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? Nope. And what's with all the 'Honestly's?!

8. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time? Animals, Food and Sleep makes one a happy bunny

9. Honestly, do you bite your nails? Only durin' english class if I'm bored.

10. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute? Not really.

11. Honestly, when is the last time you went to Taco Bell? I erm... we don't have one of those down here in li'l ol' Ireland.

12. Honestly, are you in denial? Yep, about a lot of things most likely. Least that's what the shrink says *laughs*

13. Honestly, where would you rather be right now? Sleepin'.

14. Honestly, do you like someone? I dunno, I'm a teenage girl with ragin' hormones, you tell me.

Anger Section

1. What do you do when you're mad? Either fume silently and snap at everyone or go pretty damn mental (scream, yell, violence).

2. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? Yeah, sadly.

3. Do you swear when your mad? Ye-up.

Crying Section

1. When was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? When Geri was put down.

2. When was the last time you cried yourself to sleep? Ditto above really.

3. Do you still cry when you get an injury? Nope, I just curse XD or laugh... depending really.

4. What usually makes you cry? Parents arguing, Shrinks being idiots, thinkin' bad thoughts... the usual really. Oh an not bein' able to SLEEP! UGH!

Happy Section

1. Are you usually a happy person? Nah not really.

2. What can make you happy? Time with family, a good movie, playin' with animals, drawin'... that sorta stuff.

3. Does being with your friends make you happy? Not really nope.

Self-Esteem Section

1. Do you believe in yourself? When it comes to certain things, yes.

2. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you agree? Only if I'm bein' arrogant that day XD

3. Are you one of those people that thinks they are ugly? Nope.

dA Section

1. Why did you join dA? ArtArtArtArt

2. Are you addicted to deviantART? Nahh not yet.

3. What type of people were you hoping to meet? Anyone and anything will float this girl's boat!

4. Are you looking for love on dA? Erm. No?

5. What do you think of the person that tagged you with this evil survey? He's a magic lizard! a reaaaallly nice one too!

(Ill put the taggin' people up later)